Overheard at the Office

Sometimes, the fiunniest things in my life happen through either emails at work or random office conversations. This page is a "Best Of" collection of materials born in the office over the past 5 years.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Three Solutions

Kprat was building a powerpoint presentation and asked for some help removing the name off of a building for the slide show. I agreed to help of course, since I am both a graphic designer and super-cool dude.

Quick Note: Sometimes people need to be a little more specific in their instructions when they ask me for something, or else misunderstandings like this can happen…

From: Kprat
Sent: Friday, March 05, 2010 3:07 PM
To: Greenwood, Derek
Subject: Favor

Can you make the name on this unreadable? If you look real hard you can tell what it says.

--------------------------------------------------------
From: Greenwood, Derek
Sent: Fri 3/5/2010 3:43 PM
To: Kprat
Subject: Favor

Here you go!

--------------------------------------------------------
From: Greenwood, Derek
Sent: Fri 3/5/2010 3:44 PM
To: Kprat
Subject: Favor

On this one, I covered it with a Havalina!

--------------------------------------------------------
From: Greenwood, Derek
Sent: Fri 3/5/2010 3:46 PM
To: Kprat
Subject: Favor

Here you go…..this time for sure!

Thursday, March 4, 2010

I'm an ~~idiom~~ idiot!

Note to self: When teasing someone about a slip of the tongue, be sure to get your terms correct before doing so.

Kari-with-a-K: “I'm really busy today. I guess I have too many balls in the fire.”

Me: "I guess so -- because you can’t even get your metaphors correct."

Monday, March 1, 2010

Tiny spaces and cavernous places.

The following is an abridged email conversation about the workplace. Certain members of the team were temporarily relocated while remodeling is going on. Some of us were moved into tiny spaces, while two of use were moved into cavernous places. Luckily for me, I was temporarily "upgraded" to an office instead of one of the smaller workspaces. Good thing I'm a swell guy and don't brag about my good fortune.

Hotdiggity: Hi All! I miss you already …… this new neighborhood is extremely quiet ……. I have already been told that my phone and me paging is going to get old. Have a great day; hope to see you soon!!!

Me: I know! I miss you guys too. Kari-with-a-K and I are stuck in this office with an outside view that is totally distracting. Not to mention the fact that there aren't any interruptions. I guess what I am saying is that it's way too quiet and this desk is way too big for one person. ;-)

You know what? Maybe you could ask maintenance if all of you guys could move into this office with Me and Kari-with-a-K. There's plenty of room. This office is HUGE!!! Kari-with-a-K is actually contemplating bringing in some furniture from home, just so it doesn't look so vacant. And we might split the room in half and get some bathrooms put in opposite the fireplace.

Coyote: Just put a little salt in the wound. I have 2 bruises on one leg from swinging around to get up and hitting my knees on my new cube. I have a new visitor- a lady bug – and they really isn't any room for him. It is dark, cold and lonely. I am not positive but I feel like I might be hanging upside down in a cave. But really Derek you and Kari-with-a-K enjoy your temp home, because in a few short weeks your s'more making life will be over and you too will have bruises, be cold and lonely.

The Innocent One: Oh Coyote you just made me LOL!! Derek your days are numbered………………

Jan's Prettier Sister: Derek let me know when the bathroom is in working order in you and Kari-with-a-K's office because I really don't like using the Public one down here on main floor.

Coyote: I am going to put in a request for pads on my desk to prevent bruising.

Me: My desk has automatic airbags to prevent bruising. Kind of annoying, really…..

Coyote: Wow!!! You are really living the high life over there.

Me: High Life? I think we have some Miller High Life in our walk-in fridge. I'll check on my lunch hour and let you know. I'm too busy dusting the chandeliers right now.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Squiddlie-dee

The Jeff knows that I was in the Marine Corps and made the following statement in front of others to try and smack-me-down. FAIL!

The Jeff: I've got a doctors appointment on Thursday.

Me: Proctologist?

The Jeff: Uh, no. Hey, weren't you a proctologist in the Navy or something?

Me: No, I was in the Marine Corps. But you have to realize that everybody in the Navy is a proctologist.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

An Office Conversation

A coworker (Let’s call her Hawking Girl – since she has some rather serious space issues) commented about visiting my hometown over the weekend and seeing my car, but not me. I had loaned it to my mother who had came down from Indianapolis. She has an SUV and my grandmother can’t get in or out of it very well, hence the loaner car.

Hawking Girl: “I saw your car over the weekend, but I don’t think it was you driving.”

Me: “Nah, probably wasn't’t me. My mom had the car all weekend.”

Hawking Girl: “Yeah, it looked like someone short was driving, but I couldn’t tell.”

Me: “You wouldn’t recognize me if it was anyway.”

Hawking Girl: “Why?”

Me: “I just dress like this at work. I never wear a tie otherwise. In fact, when I’m off, I’m 6’4”, all tattooed, and have hair to the middle of my shoulders.”

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

The Secret is Out.

On discussing the book "The Secret" with some co-workers. One of the other designers was explaining how the book preaches how you can control your destiny. The following is a brief dialogue that ended the conversation.

Another Designer: "Positive thoughts bring positive occurances, and negative thought bring negative things. It goes for everything in life. If you think about something enough, you'll cause it to happen.

Me: "But it doesn't work for everything, right?"

Another Designer: "The authors of the book say it does."

Me: "I dunno..... when I was in third grade I thought about dinosaurs all of the time and I never got one.

Monday, December 21, 2009

An Office Conversation.

The following banter over the movie Avatar took place today.

The Jeff: I went and saw that movie Avatar over the weekend and it was awesome. Even my wife liked it and I practically had to drag her to see it. It’s not her type of movie but she ended up liking it.

Me: I want to see it really bad, but I don’t think I could get Wendy to go.

The Jeff: Make a bet with her!

Me: A bet?

The Jeff: Yeah, bet her that she’ll like it or something.

Me: But nothing too extreme, right? Like "If you don’t like this movie, I’ll let you cut off my thumbs!”

The Jeff: That may be a little extreme….

Me: You’ll know how it went if I come in tomorrow all bandaged up Screaming “DAMN YOU, JEFF! DAAAAAAAAAMN YOU!!!”

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Rectum? Damn near killed 'um.

Yet another random Office Conversation. This one between me, Aw, and Ash.

Me: Whenever our dog was sick, we had trouble making it go to the bathroom. It didn’t poop for two straight days! Eventually we Googled it and a vet site said to stick the tip of a red matchstick in it's butthole to make it poop.

Ash: That’s gross!

Me: I guess the match irritates it and makes it take a crap.

Aw: Yeah, I think so

Me: I don’t know why it has to be a match stick though. If you stuck anything in my butthole, I’d be irritated!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

A win-win situation!

Wendy and Kaitlyn bought me a PS3 for christmas this year! It's pretty amazing, although I tend to think that it was a year of my incessant whining that won her over, and not the fancy blu-ray player that is built into the system. I was talking about the gift at work to a lady who was planning on buying one for her husband also.

Me: “Really, a PS3 is the perfect gift from a wife to her husband, when you think about it.”

Ahane: Oh really? Why?”

Me: Because if she's close to him, he'll really appreciate it and love her even more. But if she hates his guts, she'll be okay too because he'll play it all of the time and be out of her hair.”

Comment on this post. Be advised that I reserve the right to post all comments for public ridicule or email me at madhaus32@gmail.com

Friday, January 11, 2008

Three skanks, one cornhole.

The following weird banter occurred via email between The Reverend and I. To protect the names of the innocent, actual names have been replaced with famous pop-culture skanks.

The Reverend; "Paris has a new pic in the employee folder, can you make her a new plaque? .........and let me know and I'll tell Lindsey, or you can send it to her..."

Me; "Send what? I'm cornfused......... Really, I'm fused to corn. It smells disgusting when I take off my sock."

The Reverend; "Her pic after it's been touched up....maybe I should just tell Brittany, I think she may be the one that names it and places it.......not for sure."

Me: "I think it should work now. If you want, check the directory and see if it pulls the new pic. (I would, but the photos don't show up on the macs.) Just a thought: If you're grandma has the corns removed from her feet, would she have multiple cornholes where they were removed?"

The Reverend; "Yea, I thinks so.........'hey Gramma, watch your cornhole bud.........'

Monday, February 18, 2008

Quote of the day

Speaking to Captain Alex regarding methods of birth control.

Me: "Y'know what Alex? When you really think about it, the only 100% effective means of birth control is homosexuality."

Friday, February 8, 2008

Yet another strange conversation.

On 2/7/08 Reverend Ed wrote:

I'll be leaving at 3:00 today to help my youngest daughter with her vehicular consternation. As the Gods will attest, I'm sure to affix my personal script on a parchment in blood, once again committing myself to the depths for an unfriendly, unappreciate, crib midget...........

Relentlessly,
Reverend Ed

On 2/7/08 Derek wrote:

My Gramma had vehicular consternation once. She bled for weeks......and sweet Jesus, the smell was awful!!

On 2/7/08 Reverend Ed wrote:

You can have that removed with bleaching and sanding you know.

On 2/7/08 Derek wrote:

We just used a frozen leg of lamb. Then we cooked it immediately and fed the evidence to the cops. Oh, wait, did you mean have my Gramma removed? Nevermind. Forget I said anything.

Friday, February 1, 2008

FYI (the I stands for innuendo)

It has been snowing like crazy and a lot of people didn't make it in to work today, including Captain Alex. We had nearly 7 inches of snow where I live, but Captain Alex's hometown had around nine inches of snow, which prompted this email:

To: Captain Alex
Subject: FYI

Hey Alex,

Just so you know.... I've been telling people that you're not here because you got nine inches last night.

Have a good weekend, buddy!

D

Thursday, April 17, 2008

After dining in a Mexican Restaurant

Captain Alex: Boy, I like the food but I don’t really like the repercussions.

Me: Yeah, I think it’s more of the percussions that bothers me.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Overheard at Lunch

I was standing beside a guy at a Subway restaurant when he was asked what kind of cheese he wanted on his sandwich.

“Shredded.” he replied. “Shredded like the dreams of a man who has raised four children.”

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Freudian reference say what?

The following email banter between the Reverend Ed and I earlier in the week.

Reverend Ed: I just heard a public service commercial for: www.strokeassociation.com . What do you suppose that site is all about??

Me: Dude, I'm afraid to go there because I'm afraid you'll be a charter member.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Silence is golden.

Sometimes I say things that stun people. It’s not intentional, but ideas just flow through my head and spew out of my mouth. Like today at work. A guy came up to us and said something that was a blatant innuendo to everyone, but somehow that innuendo got twisted in my mind and became something else. Something worse. Something that made the other people go quiet.

Funny guy: “Hey Guys! I have something here for you. It’s small and pink........and wet.”

Me: A kitten that’s turned inside out?!

Silence ensues.

Friday, June 6, 2008

Spreading Lies.

DJPJ came up to Captain Alex and I today and tried to spread his lies. Well, I'll let YOU decide who was right. The following conversation is a reenactment of the actual banter.

DJPJ: I found out an interesting fact! Are any of you guys scared of spiders?

Me: No, not really. Why?

DJPJ: I just found out that at any given time, at least one spider is within 8 feet of you.

Me: You Lie! That's not true!

DJPJ: Yes it is!

Me: So you're telling me that if I'm in the middle of a swimming pool, there is a spider 8 feet away?

DJPJ: Yeah........ On the edges.

Me: But the pool is an Olympic sized one. It's over 16 feet wide!

Captain Alex: Then maybe they're below, underneath the pool.

Me: No, the pool is 16 feet deep! So see.......you’re fact is flawed. You're spreading lies.

Friday, June 6, 2008

Spreading Lies.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Groovy!

Afternoon office banter that occurred when "Groove is in the Heart" was playing on my computer:

Me: "Groove is in the Heart." Now that's an awesome song!

Mr. M@: Mhmmm

Me: I'm serious, I love that song!

Mr. M@: .......

Me: Does that make me gay?

Mr. M@: No, I don't think so.

Me: Thank God! Otherwise I'd have to get a new wardrobe. I ain't picking up any guys dressed like this.

Thursday, August 6, 2008

Of Gray Cats

Email banter between Reverend Ed and I regarding a replacement feline that he may have for me.

Me: Jesus...... I can’t believe I’m saying this, but if your grandson doesn’t want the gray one, I’ll take it. Our 17 year old gray cat just died last weekend, and Wendy and KG3 are still both upset.

Reverend Ed: I'll pass the word along to the 'cat jugglers' at home. I think they said they've got 3 weeks or so till they're weened yet.......... or maybe that was 'winged'....... I'm not sure on that..... do they grow wings?

Me: I dunno. If it grows wings, I’ll give you $10 for it.

Reverend Ed: Cool, and we can throw it off a bridge or somethin...........

Me: You mean gliiiiiiiiide it off a bridge.

Reverend Ed: Oh yeah.....

Thursday, August 6, 2008

Of Gray Cats

Email banter between Reverend Ed and I regarding a replacement feline that he may have for me.

Me: I dunno. If it grows wings, I’ll give you $10 for it.

Reverend Ed: Cool, and we can throw it off a bridge or somethin...........

Me: You mean gliiiiiiiiide it off a bridge.

Reverend Ed: Oh yeah.....

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

More Office Talk

The following banter occurred at work. Captain Alex has come down with a nasty cold, leaving him tired, sore, and maybe just a bit irritable. He was really feeling miserable, and that’s akin to chum in the water for us.

Captain Alex: “You and M@ will sorry. Just wait, you’re gonna get it.”

Me: “Oh my God M@?! Did you hear what Captain Alex just said?!”

Mr. M@: “No I must have missed it.”

Me: “He said - ‘just wait, I’m really gonna’ GIVE IT to M@!!!’”

Captain Alex: “That’s not what I said!”

Me: “Yes it its. I heard you!”

Captain Alex: “But that’s not how I said it!”

Monday, October 20, 2008

Office Talk

Reverend Ed: I’ve had and read Podcasting for Dummies a zillion time and just realized it was written by dawn and drew.

Me: Oh yeah? Cool. I guess I never realized that either. I know that they were one of the “pioneers” of it, but I didn’t know they wrote a book.

Reverend Ed: Oops...I guess they just did the forward......still cool! Hey! I have a copy of Podcasting for Dummies if you want to read it.

Me: Thanks..... But are you calling me a dummy?

Reverend Ed: well, yea.....you gotta be a dummy not to figure that out....

Me: Damn! Thought I had everyone fooled. Guess I can just be myself now and stop this whole “intelligence” façade. 1st. Step....Off with the pants!

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Danger Will Robinson! Danger!

An office conversation within the Art Department about a new robot that is going in to production soon. Read the news article here.

DJPJ: Did you guys see on the Drudge Report website where they invented that robot that looks like a little Chinese girl?

Me: (checking out the website) No. That's really creepy. Why wouldn't they make it look like something else? It's disturbing....

Mr. M@: Yeah, that's not right.

Me: Did you see who's building it? Cyberdyne Robotics. Do you know who that is?!

Mr. M@: No

DJDJ: It's the company that built the robots in the Terminator movies.

Mr. M@: They had to choose that name on purpose.

DJPJ: they'll be building robots to kill us next.

Me: It's probably some sicko pervert Japanese guy that made them look like little Chinese girls! Hell, why bother? You can get Chinese girls for free can't you? Why pay for a robot if you can adopt real ones for free? You can even teach real ones to cook and sew. What the hell would a robot Chinese girl be used for?!

DJPJ: You can program them.

Me: For what? Chores? I could understand buying a robot if it looked like the chick in the Terminator TV show. I'd probably be in line to get one, but a Chinese girl? I mean, what do they do, rake the yard? Bring you beer? It doesn't make any sense.

Because if they just bring you beer, I'd just as soon have an R2D2 robot. One that stored beer inside of it like a cooler. You could say "Miler Lite" and it'd pop a beer out and hand it to you with that little R2D2 robot arm. That'd be cool.

Captain Alex: You know someone has a robot that looks like Pamela Anderson out there in their basement.

DJPJ: They already have those. Sex Robots.

Me: Really?

DJPJ: Yeah, there called "living dolls".

Me: Why do you even know that?!

DJPJ: I'm into robots. I'm one myself.

Me: What if you bought one of those sex robots and died of a heart attack while you were using it?! That'd be awful. It wouldn't know to stop and you'd eventually be ground into mush. You'd be dead and the thing would still be grinding away, going "squish, squish, squish" until nothing was left but a bloody puddle!"

Mr. M@: ................. My god. There's something wrong with you.

DJPJ: I'd thing that battery would run down before that'd happen.

Friday, January 12, 2007

Driven insane.

A conversation about who will drive everyone to the Chinese buffet for lunch.

Captain Alex: We can take my car, but it's junky.

Reverend Ed: Your Jeep? Whatever! Have you ever been in my truck? My truck is ghetto!

Mrs. Val: My car is too!

Me: I'm driving a loaner from the body shop. It's a real "hoopti" piece of shit.

Mrs. Val: Umm..... I have to start my car with an Allen wrench.

Me: You win, Val.

Friday, February 16, 2007

Quoth the Reverend.

Just a bit of rambling from the Reverend:

"Even though Scatman Carruthers got his first name before the whole fetish thing came along, it's probably a good thing he chose that instead of Midget F@#*ers Caruthers cuz even back then I think that might have hurt his popularity......."

Thursday, February 01, 2007

The weird world of work.

Reverend Ed: I'd like a pdf of the page with my bio on it and a pdf of the photo studio page if possible.................. Tanx, you're the Nam!

Me: Ummmmmm....... Actually, I ate the page with your bio on it to steal all of your power!!!!! BWA HA HA HA!!!!! I'll make you a pdf, but I'm keepin’ the power dammit!

Reverend Ed: Ha, the jokes on you Aluminum Turbo Blaster Man...........my power lies in the root stalks of my hair..........oh...........oh shit!!!!

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

A lil' correspondence.

The following is a snippet of an email correspondence between the Reverend Ed and I.

Quoth The Revered: ............if you were starting a band in today's world, a really bad choice of names for your band would be 'Renegade Muslims'

Me: Yeah, I think that's why “Cat Stevens and the Bombers” never went back on tour with their “Sheikh Your Booty” tour.

The Revered: ............

Me: As a matter of fact, That whole “Rockin’ the USA” tour has Been Laden with problems……..

The Revered: Jesus, what did I start?

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

A bit of correspondence.

The following is a snippet of an email correspondence between the Reverend Ed and I

Quoth The Revered:

"The letter W is the only letter that really sounds like what it looks like.....although, it should be called a double V not a double U. And then that got me thunkin' about the other ones, the alphabrothers as I like to call them. We don't call a P a one legged R or a broken R now do we? I, as well as anyone, am well versed in the Greek alphabet and the origin of our modern letters and know full well that the letter T comes from the symbol for Taurus the bull (and the conservative family car) and the cross at the top of the letter is simply the bastardization of the symbols depiction of the horns on the bull..........but going by it's name, shouldn't it look like a tea bag?....or at least the act of tea bagging?

B does indeed look like boobs seen from the top (which, in that regard would make a 'P' look like a one boobed person from above ala' radical mastectomy...) but it's called 'B' not boobs and in any case it doesn't look like a bee.

H does indeed look like an H-Beam but I believe that's the old, 'the beam is named after the letter, not the letter named after the thing....' just like an 'S' Curve or 'I' Beam or a 'C' clip.

The letter 'O' is an interesting paradox. The human mouth does indeed make the 'O' shape when saying the sound for 'O' but is that where the letter came from ..............the world may never knOw.

X does mark the spot but 'M' don't look a thing like Dorothy's auntie......Y I wonder?"

Me: And did you ever notice how the letter “V” fits so comfortably up the letter “W’s” butt?! The letter “W” also looks like Madonna’s ta-ta’s from above. The singer, not the messiah’s mamma......... And speaking of Jesus, the letter “T” looks like, oh nevermind. (Bet you thought that I was going to say a cross didn’t you? Nope, I was going to say a hammered in nail.)

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Overheard at lunch.

I overheard this conversation at a nearby table during my lunch. The people were talking about weight loss and someone in their circle of friends who apparently wasn't around at the time.

Person 1: Wow! They should be really proud for losing so much weight.

Person 2: But there's a point where you might lose too much. If you lose too much too quick, you start looking like a corpse.

Person 1: Maybe they'll need surgery to tighten up their loose skin like on television.

Person 2: "They should be made to have that surgery. Its just plain old gross to have 40lbs of loose skin for one thing. And its just plain selfish too! "

Person 1: "Selfish? Why?"

Person 2: “By donating that 40lbs of loose skin, I bet they could save 3 burn victims.".

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Family Jewels

Captain Alex: I saw an awesome girl on youtube last night singing a Beetle song. She was really good! She reminded me of Jewel.

Me: I liked Jewel when she first came out. I always thought she was pretty, even if she had that weird snaggletooth.

Captain Alex: Dude, she lived in her car for a year. She deserves to have a snaggletooth.

Me: Yeah I guess so.

Captain Alex: That tooth probably helped her survive in the car. It was her seal eating tooth!

Thursday, May 3, 2007

Unchained Melodies

Me: Did you hear about Michael Jackson’s plan to build a 50 foot robot of himself?

Paul: No! Are you serious?

Capt. Alex: Yeah! He’s trying to commission it right now.

Me: And it has to wander around the Nevada desert aimlessly. By itself...... He wants it to be viewable from airplanes. Oh, and it has to shoot lasers from its eyes!

Paul: Real lasers?

Me: Yeah, real lasers!

Paul: Like the kind that can set people on fire?

Capt. Alex: No Paul. C’mon, that’s just stupid. Lasers can’t set people on fire!

Me: Yeah, get real Paul!

Monday, June 4, 2007

Compositional Bliss

This happened today at work while I was designing some new Magazine advertisements.

Me: pecking away on the keyboard, raising my arms like a musician playing a dramatic concerto on the piano. “Look at me writing copy! I'm a composer!”

Captain Alex: Blank Stare

Me: I said I'm a composer. Just like Chopin!

Captain Alex: Blank Stare

Me: As a matter of fact, the only differences between Chopin and I are that his keyboard made music, while mine makes flowing words. Plus, he's dead, but I'm alive. -- And I am good looking.

Captain Alex: Wow.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Abridged office conversation between Captain Alex and I.

Me: “Do you have any friends who are vegans? One of the girls staying the night tonight is a vegan and we don't know what to make for supper.”

Captain Alex: “I'm not sure. I have a friend who's a vegetarian, almost one anyway.”

Me: “When I Google it, it says that they don't eat meat or anything derived from animals.”

Captain Alex: “Can they drink milk?”

Me: “It says soy milk.”

Captain Alex: “Then they can't even have things made from animals?!”

Me: “Nope.”

Captain Alex: “What about water? Could you give them water?”

Me: “I could give them a glass of water and be like; That came from an animal! That's actually a glass of sweat I wringed from my socks after I mowed the lawn last weekend. And that twang you taste is probably from the dog pen.”

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

The Wisdom of Captain Alex

A brief conversation between Captain Alex and I towards the end of a day:

Me: Who do you think would win a fight between John Henry and Mohammed Ali?

Captain Alex: Hmmm....

Me: I mean Ali in his prime. Before he became all punch-drunk.

Captain Alex: Well, think about it. Ali was tough, but John Henry beat a machine! A machine that was built specifically to do what he was good at, driving nails. Do you really think Mohammed Ali could beat a machine that was specifically designed to punch him in the face?

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

A case of the Wednesdays.

Two guys making small talk in the Men’s room on a Wednesday Morning:

Guy 1: “Well, at least it’s halfway done.”

Guy 2: “Yeah, its been a long week already hasn’t it?”

Guy 1: “No. Not really. I was talking about my life.”

Sunday, October 7, 2007

I Goofed!

An office conversation where I screwed up and grovelled with an IT guy for forgiveness last week: (Actual names and places have been changed to protect the innocent.)

History: We have been told repeatedly not to choke up the email systems by trying to send large files in the mail. But I'm a sucker and tried to do it anyway for once, thus choking up my inbox and freezing my email program. I was afraid that i might have messed other people up also, so I went ahead and called my screw-up in.

Me: "I tried to send something HUGE in an email earlier and it didn’t go through. I know, I know......I’m stupid for even trying. But it was like the compulsion to touch the burner after you take the macaroni off of it.

I couldn’t help it! It was like trying not to picture a goat if someone says “Don’t think about goats!”. Like running with sticks! Like drinking just one more beer!! Like eating that pizza that sat out overnight!!! Like throwing rocks at the neighbor kids!!!! Like setting that cat on fire!!!!!

Sorry if it caused any trouble."

IT Guy: "No trouble - I have measures in place to prevent goat farmers such as yourself from crippling or otherwise destroying my email servers. With these measures, I will take over the world.

Be certain to delete it from your Sent Items container, then empty the Trash, otherwise your mailbox may become listless, woozy, and lethargic, and may begin to watch soap operas."

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

A duel that will never be.

An office conversation between Captain Alex and I.

Me: You’re always talking about how bad-ass Chuck Norris is, but who do you think is badder, Chuck Norris or Evil Knievel? Evil Knievel jumped the snake canyon you know!!!

Captain Alex: Yeah...... But he used a motorcycle.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Scrubbing.

A conversation between Captain Alex and I :

Me: You know, ever since I hurt my arm I've really noticed how hard it is to use a single appendage. I truly don't know how one armed people can live normal lives. Geez, and just think about the poor folk with no arms! How do they live normal lives? Like, how can they even wipe their butts?

Captain Alex: I dunno.

Me: I guess they could have one of those squirrel feeder things where you press a corn cobb on a board with a nail in it. Then they could just scrub up against the cobb over and over,

Captain Alex: Okay Derek, you win. That's disgusting!!!

Me: Yeah, but not as disgusting as when they have to pull the old cobb off the nail with their teeth and put a new one on.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Just Plain Wrong.

I almost ran over a small dog today on my way to work. I managed to slow down just enough for the little buger to jump out of the way, but he died anyway, as luck would have it. upon dodging the Cadillac, he was slammed into by a blue mini-van. Que sara sara - or how ever you spell it.

I was relating this to Captain Alex and it reminded me of an urban legend that i heard in high school where I guy went on a drinking binge. The man swerved all the way home, drunk as all hell. After pulling his company car in the garage, he stumbled into bed and passed out. Needless to day, the guy was hung over the next day and running behind for work. he had drank so heavilly that he didn’t even remember how he got home! As he was leaving, his wife noticed that In his rush to get ready, her husband had forgotten his briefcase. So she opened the front door to meet him in the driveway as he backed out of the garage.

The man saw his wife approaching the car, and then fall to the ground. He jumped out of the car to help her and when he revived her, she pointed to the front of the car. And what the man saw was a horrible sight indeed. The body of a small girl - all broken and battered was stuck inside the grill of the car.

Captain Alex: Thats horrible.

Me: But I don’t know if it’s really true. I heard it a long time ago. Hey! That’d be a good one for MythBusters!

Captain Alex: It would?

Me: Well, not to find out if it really happened or not, but if a little girl could really ever get stuck inside a cars grill.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Working with the freakshow

The following was a little email banter regarding the creative department's holiday celebration.

The Deb: Alex had a great idea! How about if we have a white elephant gift exchange this week, along with a department lunch? White elephant gifts can be ANYTHING you want. It can be something you think is ugly, something you received as a gift in the past and have never used, or just something that you want to give that will add a bit of humor to the day.

Let me know if you would like to do this which day (Thursday or Friday)? Also, if we want to do a department lunch, we will have to decide where……

Reverend Ed: I suck at the whole gift thing.....but I do like to eat

Me: I like to eat sucky gifts whole! Wait, that isn't what I meant! I like to suck thing wholes! No, that's not it either. I suck at eating wholes.

This is getting worse....... Damn.

Reverend Ed: ..........that would be a way to get rid of the cursed tiki doll that has been keeping my family down for 4 generations.........

Me: I'll take it! I'll take it! I bet I could mate it with my kid's Furby doll and have one of those monster Zuni dancing dolls like in that 80’s movie. Then when the mailman shows up, I'd be like “SICK BALLS ZUNI WARRIOR! SICK BALLS!!!”

Reverend Ed: yea, the one with Karen Black......Trilogy of terror, that's what I meant........

Me: Yeah!!! Nobody else would get that .......... You're such a freak, Ed.

Reverend Ed: Freak........freak.........bald freak........pencil neck geek

Me: You smell sumptin'? Underwear streak. -------Just finishin' the poem, brother. Just finishing the poem......

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Damned near inappropriate!

I was telling Captain Alex about the deals that I found over the weekend at Blick Art supply over the weekend and it led into this entirely inappropriate office conversation;

Me: Did you know that “Dick Blicks” is just called “Blick” now?

Captain Alex: Really?

Me: Yep. I don't know when the changed names, but I guess they just let go of their “Dick”.

Captain Alex: That's weird.

Me: Yeah. They're completely “Dickless” now. Even their new logo is “Dick” free!

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

A brand new game!

An emailed conversation between Captain Alex and I:

To: Captain Alex
Subject: New game

Restaurant Names that sound like they should be in the adult movie industry! I'll go first:
Western Sizzler
The Red Lobster
Fudruckers
Long John Silver
Jack in the Box

--------------------

To: Derek
Subject: New game

Taco gringo
Texas Roadhouse
Smokey Bones
Boxza
Carlos O kelly’s
Fazolis
Crackerbarrel

--------------------

To: Captain Alex
Subject: New game

You win, you win, sheesh!!!

Wednesday January 25, 2006

You will never find a more wretched hive of scum or villainy.

Me: New Orleans is a city filled with sin. Sin and voodoo. Lots of voodoo.

Tim: Yeah it is.

Sioux: It's pronounced N’aarleans.

Tim: N’aarleans?

Sioux: Yeah, N’aarleans.

Tim: Like the chronicles of N’aarleans?

Me: Yeah. It's a city filled with sin!

Tim: Really?

Me: Yes.

Tim: Truly, madly, deeply?

Me: ?!..... Did you just say....?

Tim: Yes.

Me: But isn't that......?

Tim: Yes.

Me: And aren't they......?

Tim: No.

Me: So that doesn't mean that you're...?

Tim: No.

Tuesday January 24, 2006

Quite the conversation killer.

I love to embarrass people! I pride myself on being able to give everything some sort of sick twist whenever possible. I can't help it -- it's just the way my mind works. Sometimes it's these weird little snippets of conversation that make my day. Take today for instance, when the following conversation about a weight loss contest ended abruptly.

The Deb: Wow! I can tell that you have already lost weight just by looking at you.

Me: Yeah, I think I have lost about 8 pounds so far.

The Deb: You really should have joined one of our fitness teams. You could have won the money.

Me: Nah, I'm not really into the competitive part of it. I don't want to feel pressure to lose weight.

The Deb: But you could win all of the money.

Me: Nah! I'm only losing weight to make my "thingy" look bigger.

The Deb: .......

Tuesday April 4, 2006

Baby Talk.

A guy at work announced that his wife was pregnant as he carried around the sonogram printout. It seems like there are little babies all around me this week. Perhaps that is what led to this strange email banter:

Me: You know what I just thought of? Remember when you were worried about going into labor and I told you that it would be okay because “even stupid people do it.” I don’t know what made me think of that...... But it's still funny.

Sioux: I remember when you would say stuff like, "You better hope that baby doesn't have fingernails 'cause it will scratch you on the way out!"

That's what friends are for.

Tuesday April 4, 2006

A command of the English language.

A brief exchange while rushing towards the kitchen during lunch hour:

Me: “Ha! I beat you! I’m faster than you.”

Sioux: “Maybe, but you’re stupid.”

Me: “Well, you’re stupid too!”

Sioux: “But you’re stupider!”.

Friday May 26, 2006

That thing's operational!

We began playing a new game at work over the past week or so. It’s a little game that we have dubbed “Uncomfortable Silence.” It’s easy to play, all you have to do is interject something into a conversation that will stun the person or people who are talking with you.

Example:

Person One: “I had to go to the emergency room last night because my daughter had a high fever. It took forever for her to see a doctor!”

Person Two: “I know what you are saying! One time when I was a kid, my mom had to take me to the emergency room because I had stuck a Lando Calrissian action figure way up my ass!”

Person One: . . . . . . .

Thursday August 31, 2006

Ground Hog Day (well, kind of...)!

I made a new friend at lunch today. Well, not really a friend, seeing as how the little critter would have enjoyed gnawing my foot off! I showed the pics to people at work and the photos inspired the following conversation:

Me: I was afraid to get to close. He was really watching me as I moved around. I didn't want to get bitten.

Paul (directed towards Jon): Geez! Are groundhogs aggressive?

Jon: How the hell would I know?!

Alex: I doubt if they're very aggressive. I'm not sure, but just because I've never heard a parent tell their kids “Now be careful and watch out for those groundhogs!”

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Another office conversation:

DJ PJ: “Hey, my friend was telling me that when he was in Iraq, the army taught them how to turn their MRE’s into bombs if they ever lost their weapons. Is that true? Did they ever teach you how to blow people up with your food when you were in the Marines?”

Me: “No, but that was a long time ago. Was he just in Iraq?”

DJ PJ: “Yeah. He just came back.”

Me: “I suppose you could do it, but I never heard of anything like that. A Marine would probably just pick up a big rock and crush their skull.”

Friday, September 15, 2006

An office conversation with the boss.

Me: "What time do I need to come in tomorrow?"

The Deb: "Probably about 6:30."

Me: "Probably and about? That leaves a lot of room for interpretation, Deb!"

The Deb: "Oh."

Me: "To me, probably about 6:30 is the same as saying 9:30"

The Deb: "Just be here at 6:30."

Friday, November 17, 2006

Running in the gutter

An office discussion between me, Captain Alex, and Jono:

Me: Wow! I just had deja vu! That's the best feeling in the world!!!!....................Okay, maybe the second best.

Captain Alex: “Oh, so you love the taste of green beans too, huh?”

Me: “And how!”

Jono: “Did you just say And how?! Are you Spanky or Buckwheat?”

Me: “Given the subject of the conversation, I’ll have to go with Buckwheat.”

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Ingenious thoughts.

Reverend Ed and I having a discussion on George Romero's living dead movies:

Dr. Ed: "I like the movies that focus on how the zombies came to life. But it "Land of the Dead" focuses more on how the surviving humans learn to live in a world full of brain eating zombies."

Me: "I think that zombies would be useful for some things. Like miners! You could just send them down to start looking for coal and not have to worry about them dieing from black lung."

Dr. Ed: "Yeah! They'd be great migrant workers."

Me: "A farmer could just turn his army of zombies loose at the edge of a field to start picking and then just come back a week later to get the harvest. Sweet!"

Thursday, December 28, 2006

I'm a veteran so get off of my back!!!

The following snippet of an office conversation between Captain Alex, DJ PJ, and myself. We were talking about snakes and how some people are deathly afraid of them.

Captain Alex: “Yeah, my girlfriend is terrified of snakes. She can't even pick up a worm, she's afraid of anything that doesn't have legs.”

DJPJ: She couldn't ever work in a pet store then.

Me: Or in a VA hospital.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Included text in a SPAM email.

Reverend Ed sent me this in regards to some SPAM that he received:

Quoth the Reverend: .........those crazy spammers, they talk like gramma did right before she yelled Bingo and beat herself to death with a circus clown.........

<snip>
An imaginative sandwich is knowingly surly. When a defendant living with the mastadon starts reminiscing about lost glory, some crank case toward a freight train daydreams.
The linguistic ball bearing satiates the paper napkin.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Office Correspondense.

A quote from the reverend Ed:

"Christmas or Hanukkah, just remember, whichever one you observe, the other one is wrong."

Monday, February 14, 2005

A discussion actually spoken during a meeting today.

The Deb (the boss): Just a reminder to you Derek; next Wednesday and Thursday I have enrolled you in some all-day classes.

The Aaron: Yeah, sensitivity training!

Me: Sensitivity training? What kind of F***ing bullshit is that?!

Luckilly everyone involved thought it was funny.

Thursday, April 7, 2005

Overheard at Lunch:

Three guys and a girl sitting around talking. One speaks up and says: “It doesn't really matter what they look like right? I mean, once the lights get low enough its all the same anyway, right?”

Friday May 13, 2005

Overheard in a lucnch conversation at the sub-shop.

Guy #1: Do you know Alice's number? I need to let her know that we are eating here.

Guy #2: Yeah, its 3972.

Guy #1: Thanks! (begins dialing phone)

Guy#2: Y'know, if you were into numerology, youd know that it is the number for "dirty f*@#ing whore".

Monday, May 2, 2005

A casual pre-luch conversation on semantics:

Me: Do you have any plans for lunch today?

Friend: I have to go to the Post Office and then I think I'm gonna read a book. I've been reading a lot lately. This is my third book in a month. It's really nice :) What about you?

Me: Nothing. I don’t have any money and I didn’t bring my lunch. Maybe I’ll just stay here and dink around. Dink – a term used to describe being lazy, without saying “being lazy.”

Friend: Does this work? I am so dinky.

Me: No, dink means something different when used like that. I think it means “small” in that instance.

Friend: ...like a dinky winky?

Me: No........ I think that may be a penis. Like in “Jill kicked Jack in the dinky winky.”

Wednesday July 20, 2005

An actual email conversation between boss and employee:

Employee: Here you go Chief!

Supervisor: Thanks little Indian! From this day forward you will be known as Britohauntus, which means little man that fights with crayons!

Another conversation between two military veterans:

Vet #1: Would you please take the time to polish this copy that was sent from a vendor for use in our instructions?

Vet #2: You should get this back this afternoon. And once again, the 101st Airborne comes to the rescue of a Jarhead in trouble. No need to thank me, saving Jarheads is considered a sacred obligation of the Airborne.

Vet #1: Yeah. We always appreciated it when you guys would come and pick us up after we finished killing everyone.

Monday August 22, 2005

On August 18th, I posted how my friend Timmay was so young that he didn't always get my references to older television shows. The posting must have gotten under his skin because when I got home today this message was in my inbox.:

TS: You suck, geezer. Ok you don't really suck...that bad. You are a geezer though... And NO, I didn't say "You suck geezer!" I said, "You suck(comma) geezer!" So no misstatements when you rip me for this one on your blog! Ok bye.

Tim.

Timmay sure gets all defensive when he brings up sucking geezers, doesn't he?

Friday August 12, 2005

Sometimes I say very, very stupid things to other people. Things that either make myself look like a blithering fool, or confirm it to those who already think that I am. This little snippet of conversation occurred today near the end of my afternoon.

Tim: Is grandstand one word or two?

Me: I think one...... Yeah, I’m pretty sure it’s one.

Tim: Okay.

Me: But then again, I ain’t the brightest tool in the shed.

That last sentence alone proved my point.

Thursday August 11, 2005

A friend of mine sent me a link to the BAJAK-FLUX-CAPACITATOR ASTRAL TRAVEL TIME MACHINE that was being auctioned on ebay. (You can click the screenshot below to view the actual post.) The email quickly blossomed into the following banter:

JS: My B-day is 8/29. You guys better start bidding. Once you give it to me, I'll use it to go back into time, re-list it on ebay and pay you back.

Me: We already bought it for you six weeks from now.

JS: I'll thank you last week then..........

Me: You are......... Uh, will be......er.......were welcome.

Monday November 21, 2005 - 12:00pm

Afternoon email conversation:

Ernie: Wow, a prostate check. Good luck.

Me: I hope he uses his finger at least......

Lisa: Maybe he will call you the next day. That's what I do.

Me: Yeah, but what happens when I run into him at wal-mart? How uncomfortable will that be? Do you think that he walks around town and subconsciously goes: "Hmmm, there's Mr. Reynolds..... I had my finger up his ass."

Monday December 26, 2005

The fact of the matter is...

A discussion about the former King of Rock and Roll that came up when one of his songs began playing n the radio.

Me: I can't believe that they still have an Elvis song in rotation on this radio station.

Unnamed Elvis fan: Well, he is the King of rock.

Me: You mean WAS the King of rock. He's dead you know.

Unnamed Elvis fan: Elvis isn't dead.

Me: Well, even if he didn’t die when they said, he’d sure as hell be dead by now. Just look at the guy.

Thursday December 15, 2005

It's funny how aggression turns to humor sometimes.

I worked late tonight and wasn't in the greatest of moods for my commute home. I was trying to chill out by talking to a friend on my cell phone. Everything was going fine at first, but then something happened that made my blood boil!

LT: So, I've been okay, I guess.

Me: Well, I just thought I'd call to say "hi" and see how you are......Holy Shit!! I just about got side swiped by a car!

LT: Really?

Me: Yeah, it just flew over toward me! What the f@#k was she thinking?! Geeeeeez, and now she just cut me off!

LT: Really?

Me: Man, I'm gonna' follow her and kick her ass for that!

LT: Really?

Me: No. Not really!

LT: Oh?

Me: No... I'm gonna blow up her car!

LT: Really?

Me: No. Not really! Oh, but I AM going to set it on fire!

LT: Really?

Me: No. Not really! Maybe I should just pay someone to kill her!

LT: Really?

Me: No. Not really! But maybe I could pay them to beat her up!

LT: Really? Shit, I'd do that!

Me: Really?????? No. Not really. I would never pay for that.

LT: Really?

Me: No, but if someone were going to beat her up, I'd like to watch!

Wednesday December 14, 2005

Karen Carpenter is the Ghost of Christmas Past! (Y'know, the one that looks like a skeleton....)

The following email conversation took place when Sioux heard me bitching about a Christmas song (sung by Karen Carpenter) on the radio. Longtime readers will remember that it was her ghost who trashed my car last year.

Sioux: You aren't damning Karen Carpenter, are you?

Me: No! I would never do that. Especially in bad weather!!!!!1 Yikes!

Sioux: What does 1 Yikes mean?

Me: Its like “Yikes”, but with a number. Like 1 Holy Shit! I use the 1 to show emphasis, like a preemptive exclamation point. Oh -- okay, it was a typo......

Sioux: 7 I know.

Monday December 5, 2005

An email correspondence this morning.

The following banter regards the list of Schaljo facts posted yesterday.

Schaljo: You sure know how to make a guy feel good.

Me: Uh............... I’m not exactly sure how to reply to that. Ick!